An Extra Day for Leap Year
Remembering Jackie
As a leap year baby, Jackie would have been 16 tomorrow - only having had her real birthday 16 times over her lifetime. Born in 1960, she would actually have been 64. She was always 3 years ahead of me, but I have long since overtaken her. Over a decade since she died and I still often think about her and her life.
Jackie had a lot of challenges in life. She was diagnosed as Bipolar and had anxiety and low self-esteem. She’d had a leg amputated at some point, though that’s one of the things I barely noticed about her. I only met her the once, but we had been friends for a decade and had arranged to meet up again, just before she died as it turned out.
I met Jackie when I was paired up with her via Befrienders Highland, who offer supported friendships for people with mental ill health, through trained volunteers. I was one such volunteer, completing my training via distance learning before moving to the Highlands in 2008. We were paired up soon after my training finished and before I moved north, and so began a friendship by phone. We had a set day every week and would talk for an hour or so if Jackie was feeling well. If she was poorly, it might be less. I got to tell instantly by the tone of her voice what sort of day she was having.
Within short order I had permission to give Jackie my phone number and she never abused that trust. She might ring if she couldn’t make the arranged meeting and occasionally when she was keen to chat about something specific. It was very rare, but it did happen, especially as her confidence and trust grew.
We had a lot in common. Jackie was a swimmer, a baker and chocolatier and she enjoyed writing short stories for children. She trusted me enough to send her stories to me to read and it meant a lot. She’d written most of them during a long spell in hospital.
Despite the challenges she faced in daily life and with people - men in particular - Jackie travelled by train, from her remote village home, to a local town, to work in a supermarket as a checkout operator. She liked her job, despite being nervous about meeting new people and disliking confrontation. By all accounts, she was speedy, efficient and well liked. She was always trying to overcome her difficulties and be a ‘better‘ person (her description, not mine). Bipolar dominated her life in many ways and she often had spells in hospital, when the depression and anxiety were crippling or the ‘highs’ were getting out of hand. She slept very little and would often be cleaning the house in the early hours of the morning or late at night, or making chocolates. She really was a fantastic chocolatier- trained in Switzerland and working at the prestigious Snells in Salisbury. We were the beneficiaries of her delightful skill on many occasions. She hated being idle and always liked to help people if she could, though she was often put on to bake, when she might have been better saying no. Jackie wasn’t good at saying no and would take on baking gigs to her detriment. She was too kind and sometimes people took advantage of that.
Jackie was in hospital when she died. The pattern over the years would be that she would be great and coping for months on end and then would get hit big time by a low that required her to be hospitalised, her medication adjusted, or simply needing some rest. She’d phoned to let me know she had been hospitalised and we arranged that she would call me again when she felt like talking. She didn’t ever call. After a month or so, when it seemed out of character that she’d not called, I thought about calling her Mum. Jackie’s Mum preempted me when she phoned out of the blue to tell me that Jackie had died. A pulmonary embolism during the night saw her die in her sleep. Jackie’s handbag with her address book had only just been returned to Mum, so she was working her way though the address book, letting people know.
I was shocked and angry. Jackie was only 3 years older than me. She died way too young. She contributed so much to the world and was loved and valued by many. She left a daughter, Sophie, already independent and making her mark in the world.
If the world was full of Jackie’s we wouldn’t be in the mess we are! I’m still sad and a little bit angry that she’s not here. She would have loved the fact that I got married, despite not being brave enough to come to the event, she would have celebrated with us, maybe with chocolates, certainly with joy.
Jackie left a hole in my heart, as friends who lose life early always do. Volunteering to befriend someone with mental illness was one of the best things I ever did, because Jackie befriended me too.
I can’t guarantee you’d be matched with a gem like Jackie if you volunteered to befriend someone, but I can guarantee you would be doing something worthwhile while that you can be proud of. There are schemes up and down the country for phone, email and in-person befriending. Maybe you could checkout what there is in your area on this ‘extra’ day of the year.
https://www.befriendershighland.org.uk
Jacqueline Ross 29/02/1960 – 13/03/2013
The world did not stop,
Not even for a moment
but there is a hole
In the universe
where you used to be,
and an aching space
In my heart.