I wrote about the process of my father dying (in an induced coma for a week and all of us in a limbo) as if it was happening to someone else and found it very helpful. Ultimately I turned those snippets into something as you know. I’d recommend to anyone to write those mangled thoughts down in any deeply emotional situation but chiefly grief.
Thanks for sharing that, Paula. I think writing about it in the third person can give a sense of detachment and observation that you can’t achieve when you’re writing personally (although obviously it is) The book you wrote was a nice tribute too.
My dad was twenty years older than my mum and he died just after I'd had my second baby. He only ever met the first one. My mum died exactly ten years later, just after I'd had my fifth baby. Both deaths hit me hard, but I'm the kind of person who can't hide her emotions, who bawls all the way though funerals, at work, in the street, when telling people what has happened, and doesn't care who sees. I've written about both my parents because I loved them and because they were wonderful, interesting, talented, kind, generous people. I've never felt the need to talk or write about their deaths to 'get over it'. We don't, ever. Having a young family to bring up and deal with all the problems they brought possibly put life/death in perspective.
Thanks for sharing this, Jane. It’s interesting and helpful to hear different views and potential strategies.
You’re so right that we don’t ’get over’ loss, we simply learn to adapt and live with it.
It’s hard when parents die young and we feel bereft of all that we couldn’t share, as well as the loss of the person.
It’s good to let emotions have free run and not store them up. I’m glad you were able to grieve openly. It must have been hard with a young family, although I do understand the different perspective it must have created for you.
I write about everything. I don’t always share it!
Ours lost all four grandparents when they were small. The youngest never knew any of them. I think telling children that someone has died and they won’t see them again is important. Also letting them see the dead person and say goodbye. It’s not good or fair to lie to children. They have far more understanding of life than we give them credit for. I don’t subscribe to the opinion that they should be shielded from the basic facts of life. Pretending that grandma has ‘gone away’ or is ‘on holiday’ or whatever else people tell kids, just seems like a very strange way of going on to me. It helps us too, seeing the next generation, the continuity. Gives us all a sense of purpose and responsibility.
I’m totally with you on this. I won’t even use the term ‘passed on’. I was ‘shielded’ from various friend and family deaths and I think it makes it harder not easier.
I never knew any of my grandparents either. I’m sorry your children didn’t.
Passed on is a euphemism I wouldn’t use either because I don’t see why ‘died’ is so unacceptable. But ‘passed’ just makes me cross. It’s what people do in the street, or the post, or the bus.
Maybe when we started to feel guilty about leaving our old folk to die unnoticed in a clinical hospital ward. Instead of celebrating their lives and remembering them in a community spirit, we pretend they never existed.
I admired the things you wrote about your dad when he died, despite the past. You were so kind, and so generous to his memory. This is so hard. Sending love.
Thanks for the support. It’s appreciated. I’ll carry on writing although might do less sharing! There’s only so much people can take of someone else’s loss!
I wrote about the process of my father dying (in an induced coma for a week and all of us in a limbo) as if it was happening to someone else and found it very helpful. Ultimately I turned those snippets into something as you know. I’d recommend to anyone to write those mangled thoughts down in any deeply emotional situation but chiefly grief.
Thanks for sharing that, Paula. I think writing about it in the third person can give a sense of detachment and observation that you can’t achieve when you’re writing personally (although obviously it is) The book you wrote was a nice tribute too.
My dad was twenty years older than my mum and he died just after I'd had my second baby. He only ever met the first one. My mum died exactly ten years later, just after I'd had my fifth baby. Both deaths hit me hard, but I'm the kind of person who can't hide her emotions, who bawls all the way though funerals, at work, in the street, when telling people what has happened, and doesn't care who sees. I've written about both my parents because I loved them and because they were wonderful, interesting, talented, kind, generous people. I've never felt the need to talk or write about their deaths to 'get over it'. We don't, ever. Having a young family to bring up and deal with all the problems they brought possibly put life/death in perspective.
Thanks for sharing this, Jane. It’s interesting and helpful to hear different views and potential strategies.
You’re so right that we don’t ’get over’ loss, we simply learn to adapt and live with it.
It’s hard when parents die young and we feel bereft of all that we couldn’t share, as well as the loss of the person.
It’s good to let emotions have free run and not store them up. I’m glad you were able to grieve openly. It must have been hard with a young family, although I do understand the different perspective it must have created for you.
I write about everything. I don’t always share it!
Ours lost all four grandparents when they were small. The youngest never knew any of them. I think telling children that someone has died and they won’t see them again is important. Also letting them see the dead person and say goodbye. It’s not good or fair to lie to children. They have far more understanding of life than we give them credit for. I don’t subscribe to the opinion that they should be shielded from the basic facts of life. Pretending that grandma has ‘gone away’ or is ‘on holiday’ or whatever else people tell kids, just seems like a very strange way of going on to me. It helps us too, seeing the next generation, the continuity. Gives us all a sense of purpose and responsibility.
I’m totally with you on this. I won’t even use the term ‘passed on’. I was ‘shielded’ from various friend and family deaths and I think it makes it harder not easier.
I never knew any of my grandparents either. I’m sorry your children didn’t.
Passed on is a euphemism I wouldn’t use either because I don’t see why ‘died’ is so unacceptable. But ‘passed’ just makes me cross. It’s what people do in the street, or the post, or the bus.
Yes! Exactly that. When did died become so ‘unacceptable’?
Maybe when we started to feel guilty about leaving our old folk to die unnoticed in a clinical hospital ward. Instead of celebrating their lives and remembering them in a community spirit, we pretend they never existed.
I admired the things you wrote about your dad when he died, despite the past. You were so kind, and so generous to his memory. This is so hard. Sending love.
Thanks for the support. It’s appreciated. I’ll carry on writing although might do less sharing! There’s only so much people can take of someone else’s loss!