Some Days I Feel Like Chucking It All In

Photo by Jen Theodore on Unsplash

Apologies for any triggering. That’s not intentional.  I don’t mean I feel suicidal.  I’m generally fairly resilient and tend to a positive outlook (despite internal catastrophising and anxiety) but some days I feel like chucking in the towel. On social media, on my art practice, on my writing, my baking - all the creativity and connection which brings me joy and also part of my income.

Everyone seems to either talks about how fabulous it is to be self-employed, to be doing what they want to do in life, or they stress and moan about the negative bits. There seems to be little in-between, unless you’re a member of a creative support network which gives you the opportunity to be real.  The Highland Cake Collaboration is one such network. Set up by Jeni of Bad Girl Bakery, it seeks to support both novice and experienced bakers who work for themselves. There have been workshops, talks and regular meet ups for a coffee and a blether. It offers a window of connection and support for those who work solo and particularly in the Highlands, where people can be geographically, as well as socially isolated.

There are online networks I’m part of too, such as Natalie Parker Studio’s Art Biz. It started out as a business course, but has become a supportive and collaborative community. Whether intended, or as a natural progression, it is a definite bonus.  There are plenty of other examples too, I’m sure, but lots of people won’t be aware of them. Some organisations only offer paid memberships, which can be prohibitive when you’re starting out.

I see lots of adverts for marketing and improving your instagram content, but very little real support for solo entrepreneurs who can struggle with juggling the various components of business. You have to be good at everything, especially if you’re in a position where you can’t afford to outsource, particularly when starting up.  Business Enterprise are a great resource to navigate the various streams you need to be on board with and their on line courses can help skill you up and ease the overwhelm. Accounts, purchasing and marketing, as well as the actual physical making and selling of your product.  You need a handle on social media, advertising, communications, admin, reporting and so many other skills, which may or may not come naturally.  Sure you can do courses, you can learn, but it’s still a lot. Mentoring and buddy schemes are a good idea, though access and availability are sporadic at best.

I love working for myself. I ran my own projects in the third sector for 10 years prior to setting up my cooking business. Working for someone else, 9 - 5, in an office, was never really going to be an option after that.  I don’t regret the choice I made, nearly 10 years ago now.  It doesn’t mean it isn’t hard: I don’t earn anything like the minimum wage, I work unsociable hours, there is no sick leave, holiday or pension provision.  If I don’t work, I don’t earn. And things can go wrong. Like today, when my ginger cake decided to go rogue. It’s a recipe I developed years ago and has never, ever failed me, except today, when the middle decided to go vesuvial and take out the centre of the cake - which is now a sink hole and totally unsaleable (although it is edible and will be eaten). It doesn’t do anything for my profit margins, that’s for sure. Thankfully such disasters are rare, especially with my baking, but they do happen.  Things go wrong for self-employed bakers as they sometimes do for home bakers.  You sort it out and move on.

So, today we had the cake incident. My insurance is due and I don’t have the money to cover it.  I need a bulk bag of flour. Ditto.  I’m lucky in that I have a small occupational pension that helps smooth out some of the financial bumps. It’s not a panacea, however.  I have 3 strands to my business activities: baking, painting and writing. The latter two make very little income; the three together give me enough to pay for my materials and keep going. They are never going to make me rich and that’s fine. I’m really not complaining.

Yesterday was the ‘writing challenge’ . I share my writing on my own author page and participate in regular on-line challenges and make occasional submissions. Yesterday, something I posted got zero response.  It might have been rubbish and everyone hated it. It might have been dissed by the algorithm. I would rather some response, even if negative, rather than none.  Sometimes, the writing world feels cliquey and hostile, if you’re trying to break into it and carve your own niche.  Not everyone will like what you do or be supportive. That’s OK, as long as some people respond positively! I make a big effort to boost other writers, not because I expect them to reciprocate, but because it feels like the right thing to do. I genuinely believe whether we mix with artists, writers, bakers or any other creatives, that we are colleagues and collaborators, not competitors. There are enough people out there, with enough variety of tastes and purchasing budgets, to support a vibrant creative community. Sharing people’s creativity and networking helps people find their people.

So why do I feel like giving up today specifically?  Well, apart from the cake fiasco and the lack of money, and the writing issue, there’s been the ‘Universal  Credit’ debacle (if you’ve read some of my previous blogs, you’ll know my husband was made redundant in April and to avail of ourselves of the compensation scheme we have to claim UC). Today I was deemed ‘not gainfully self-employed’ by the powers that be, essentially because I earn so little from my toils. To have it written in black and white hits home. It makes me feel worthless - literally. It’s not only that, however, like I said, I’m made of stern stuff. The final element to the perfect storm of today’s disillusionment is yesterday’s lack of support and acknowledgment. Not only via my social media (where I advertise my business) or locally (where I deliver my business) but personally.  Some of my friends, family and connections are very supportive. Some simply ignore my business efforts, as if they’re an unconnected part of who I am or what I do. It doesn’t upset me, I simply find it strange.  If one of my friends has a business, I do my best to support it. If I’m not able to buy what they’re selling, then I support it in other ways. I share and re-post their media, I pass on their information, I talk about their business.  I don’t have to necessarily love what they do to be supportive of them. I appreciate everyone isn’t going to like my art, my writing, or even my baking, but does that mean they can’t be supportive and encouraging? It shouldn’t, but often it does. Why is that?  Many people are happy to brandish advertising for big brands and share media messages for corporations that have little need of their support - they have marketing budgets and teams; they spend billions.  Yet micro-indie artists, authors, bakers, creators, have micro-marketing budgets - if they have a budget at all! Were the ones who need the support - and who value it.

I’m ever grateful for every person who buys a card, a loaf of bread, a book or a picture. It means a lot that I can create something with my own two hands and imagination, that someone wants to buy.  And at the moment, it goes towards our financial black hole, even if by a molecule or two.  I will always be thankful to be in this privileged position of having had the opportunity to work for myself and make money from my endeavours, however ‘ungainful’ and whatever the outcome of our situation. But today, that perfection storm of circumstances makes me feel like giving up; makes me feel useless and unpurposeful.

Please be kind in your dealings with small businesses, if you can. We are people. Most of us are doing our best. Many of us are struggling to make ends meet.  It’s a tough gig out there and many of us give up from exhaustion, desperation, lack of support and lack of income. There are plenty of small businesses out there that are thriving too and that’s encouraging, but don’t believe everything you see on social media - some people feel the need to keep up appearances, when underneath the cracks are evident.  I’m happy to tell it like it is, where many people would be mortified or embarrassed. We all have our stories of success and failure, whatever we share - or not.

Today I feel despondent, thankfully tomorrow is a new day.